Article 18

First off I would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and I hope everyone has a Very Awesome Happy New Year.

With today being Christmas I got all dolled up in a black dress, stockings and heels, make-up done and all just for me. I fixed a excellent dinner of turkey with dressing, vegetables and mashed potatoes. Of course even though I don't really drink anymore I did have a couple glasses of wine with my dinner. All in all it was really good.

I also made a bunch of Christmas calls to people that I care about and got a really great message from my realtor, she had her baby boy on Christmas Eve, he's 5 weeks early, weighed in at 5lbs 10oz and is very healthy . She and the baby are doing fine. I am so very happy for her and her family.

During the last few months so much has happened. As you may know I was out on strike from work for two months. I was dealing with a whole bunch of depression during that time. I was living off my GSR savings during that time and felt like I was giving up my new life. I was also faced with the fear of having to go off of my HRT during that time because I wasn't going to have the money. But my doctors all stepped up and were understanding and helpful. I was able to get my prescriptions filled for a two month period ahead of time so when things got really tight and I would be able to continue with my HRT. Dr Harden switched me over to Estradoil tablets instead of my twice weekly injections.

I was very thankful to all who were so supportive, but I was still depressed over the entire situation. Fortunately, As I have written before I got a phone call from Victoria from GASS (Gender Alliance South Sound) who had heard that I was hurting and she and Misha invited me over for dinner and some talk about things and others did the same for me. That evening means so much to me even today. It was the reaching out from friends that got me out of that funk and back on track. I got off my butt and started to look for a place to live that I could call my own.

In the mid part of October I found the perfect house for me and bought it. I had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. To spend the rest of my surgery money on buying a house vs continuing to live where I was at and going forward saving my money for my surgery in the future despite the strike. As you may know I bought the house but the reality of it hit me with a very serious panic attack in the middle of the night a couple weeks after I moved in. I woke up in a screaming panic at the reality of having given up having my surgery for now and facing the fact that I now had to make a mortgage payment every month and that would also postpone my opportunity for having my GSR.

My house is so beautiful and I know that it was the right thing to do and now I've been in it for just over a month and I have celebrated two holidays in it already. I am still having some doubts about my decision. But, I know that this environment so much better and healthier for me, I can already see some improvement in my breathing, not having to deal with all of the dust and mold in the old house I lived in before. Also not living with someone who refuses to acknowledge me by my new name and gender has also reduced my stress levels a bit even though whenever I talk to him he still agrivates me by calling me by my old name. I am also still really struggling with the idea of not being able to have my surgery now. Part of that fear is that by the time I can afford it I may not be able to because of my age, although I know it shouldn't be an issue.

I truly believe that I was born wrong and every night I pray that I will wake up in the morning and that everything will be changed so that I am that woman I should have been born as.

I know that it is silly to wish and pray for that, but it is also so very true, that the desire to have my gender match my heart and mind is so strong that I can't but help think and feel that way.

I really need a sugar daddy, ok, that's not likely, so how about a grant or a gift or even getting on one of those surgery- make over shows? I started watching Sex Change Hospital which features Dr Marci Bowers in Colorado, but I would just get depressed because it wasn't me. So I quit watching them. I am very happy for those that are fortunate enough to go forward and have their surgeries because it means that they are reaching their dreams and goals and getting their bodies to match their lives..

So if anyone out there knows of someone rich that likes to take pity on the likes of me or if you know of any programs that go around helping people like us. Then by all means send them my way.

In other news and happenings, GASS was supposed to have their 1st annual dinner ball on the 20th of December and I know I was disappointed that it was postponed due to the terrible weather we had. It is going to be rescheduled for January and I will be there. I was talking to the Global Diversity representative at work about the medical benefits issues for transgenders, but it appears not much has happened with it yet.

She says that it is a matter of making sure that everything is worked out because there are so many different areas of concern, different operating divisions, contracts and even different countries involved in making something like this available, but she and others in Global Diversity want to make it happen and available for everyone even though our population within the company is actually very small.. To me it is much more simple because it is just a change in contract language by removing the phrase "exempt" to make coverage available. The insurance companies and even the HMO's offer this type of coverage with other companies.

She was also talking to me about lobbyists in Washington DC and their working towards equality for us in government thru corporate change. Now that would be a great achievement if it were to happen and I really hope to be a part of that effort. It appears that we have a few allies in some of the power positions, but it also appears that we need more to get things done. What I have a hard time with is the simple fact that it is the right thing to do and there shouldn't be any question about it. Yeah I know I am a little bit on the biased side of the issue, but even if I wasn't it still seems to be the right and just thing to do for people who are transsexual.

I was told that my openness and efforts as a advocate are the types of things that make those changes possible. As people see that we are really no different than they are, with the same hopes and dreams that they may have.

It shows them that we are just as normal as they are and that we deserve to be treated with fairness and respect, not out of fear of law, but out of it being a normal human action.

Update, I received a email from a woman in Port Angeles and she was telling me that she had seen a letter that I had written to my company and my union about medical coverage or actually the lack thereof. She went on to tell me that she took that letter and made some changes to reflect her company and her circumstances. The outcome was that in showing the letter to her union and her company is that they are now in the process of adding coverage for transgenders to their polices and benefits. This effort on her part is exactly the kind of thing that I hope to achieve as I travel through this change in my life. But it also says to me that there are those out there that do want to see fairness presented to all.